I Hold Doors

For whatever reason, women seem to think I'm some self important asshole who only cares about myself. You're wrong, cunts. I'm a gentleman.

Maybe I've had a string of total bitch girls. Stuck up bitches. Get out of here with that bitchassness. Yes, that's a word. Fuck you.

Ladies: Can't find a man who will treat you right? Look no further.

This is Ari Hooley. Well behaved gentleman, classy motherfucker, & sometimes asshole.

Do you need a man to talk to when things just don't seem right? I do that shit. I will even ask you how your day went.*

Ever date a guy who doesn't hold doors for you? Yeah, fuck that shit. You'll never have to strain your petite body again. I hold doors.*

When my lady is feeling down, I feel the need to use my expert cooking skills and cook her a nice, warm bowl of soup.* I'm a master fucking chef. Rarely microwaved.

If you thought those general acts of kindness and awesome fucking manners were plenty for you, surprise females. I will raise my offer. Ever heard of chocolate? Flowers? Diamonds? Nevermind, fuck that. Okay maybe diamonds. I buy that shit.*

* if it scores me some points towards a future blowjob

** sorry ladies, this favor can only be exchanged for a coupon redeemable for one instant blowjob at the time and place of my choosing.. tough shit

It's Just Sports, Bro

As a bro, I enjoy watching sports. That's part of what being a bro is all about, my brethren. But there are some motherfuckers who take that shit WAY too far. I first noticed this when someone sent me a request to make a post bashing a fairly solid team. Just fucking kidding, I noticed it when I seen a half naked fat guy with "Marry Me LeBron" painted on his belly. I said "Dude, sit the fuck down and put that shit away. This is women's volleyball." True fucking story.

If I could count the number of #1 fans for any given sports team, I'm sure I would count more than just fucking one. I see assholes like this all the time on tv. Here's what it sounds like when I watch sports: "Hey, guy with the foam finger! Manning can't hear you from your 50 yard line seats, even if you are in the first row. He's busy throwing an egg and hoping you buy season tickets next year. Pussy! Check out this bitch sitting down like she owns the team. You bought $75 tickets, so put the Raiders snuggie down, stand up, and cheer like you don't know it's 15 degrees below icicle nipples outside. On the list of #1 fans, you're probably somewhere around 13,000. Or what about this douchebag over here? Someone get him a towel, he's breaking a sweat from cheering too hard. Don't pull a muscle while eating that hotdog!" Fuck those assholes.

I fucking hate sports fans, especially the damn stat watchers. I wanna choke the people who feel the need to keep up with the stats of every team in the league. Just fuckin' choke 'em out, put a blanket over their head, and dump them into a large body of water. Wait, what?. How do they have time for this shit, anyway? If you can tell me "Miami is 13 and 5", good for you. If you can tell me the jersey numbers and average points per game of every player on the Miami Heat, go fuck yourself. You're not enjoying sports for the simple entertainment that it is.

Some motherfuckers like to have a favorite team for every sport, and even every league. Then they have their second favorite teams, and of course their third favorite teams, just in case their first and second pick don't do shit all season. How do they keep track of this nonsense? Do they pick every team with blue jerseys? Do they only cheer for the teams that live closest to them? Do they root for the underdog every time? What if the team with the blue jerseys lives closest to them, but they're not the underdog? Or what if they are the underdog but they have red jerseys? How does that shit work?

Everybody hates those assholes who listen to sports on the radio. By everybody I mean me and fuck everyone else. If you want to know what's happening with your local team, you're close enough to join the other assholes at the game. You guys can host a circle jerk there, not on my fucking radio. Fuck.

I like sports but I'm tired of the stats, the bullshit rivalries, and the shitty local teams on the radio. Want to know how I enjoy sports? I stick to watching one team, per sport. That's it. One team. I don't pay close attention to their stats, I don't worry about the teams they play, and I definitely do not fucking listen to them on the radio. And when I select my team for the year, it's not a hard choice. Personally, I choose the team that has the mascot with the biggest dick. Large and in charge.

Fuck My Belly Button

I really hate my belly button. Oh, you thought I was offering someone to fuck my belly button? Fuck that, you twisted bitch. I do hate my belly button, though. It looks like a half innie/half outie. Whatever the fuck that means. Check it.

That's my fucking belly button. If you're thinking "well, that's not so bad" what you don't know is I had to stand 15 feet away from the camera and do some trick photography, black magic, poor lighting shit to make my belly button look almost normal. Truth. What the fuck kind of drugs was my doctor on when he slacked off this job, anyway? I'll never know, but I'd be willing to try them. (Don't worry, I promise I won't deliver a damn baby when I'm impaired. Who does that shit to an innocent child? I know I would probably deserve it now but I definitely didn't then. Maybe this is the whole reason I'm so fucked up in the head. I'm scarred for life. Literally.) This kind of work does not belong on the résumé of a licensed professional. I actually came across a copy of his résumé a while back when I was rummaging through his office, trying to steal medication. Long story short, I got away with some cotton balls and a pair of latex gloves. Weak. Anyway, looking over his résumé, I noticed he looked pretty qualified, but when I came across his greatest weaknesses, shit got weird. By weird I mean I had an epiphany, not I took a pinky finger to the butthole. Here's what it said, no bullshit: "One of my biggest weaknesses is my inability to tie a knot in a balloon. Seriously. If you handed me a balloon, I couldn't tie it to save my life LOL! Hope this doesn't affect my job performance!". Woah, hold the fuck up, dick fingers. If you can't tie a knot in a balloon, then you obviously can't tie umbilical cords. The fuck outta here with that shit. I think if he let me tie it myself, the results would have turned out much better. "Stand back, Dr. Penishands, no one ties my umbilical cord but me." Fuck I should have been the one to tie it. I could have if I wasn't on drugs, too. Wait, what?

Cats: Part Three

I have received a lot of criticism for my posts about cats. I have been called a phony for not getting real cats. This makes me angry. And sad. Very sad. You guys made Patches and Shitstain cry. Oh yeah, I decided to name my wooden cats to show how much I care. I even shed a few tears after receiving all the hate mail. Okay maybe that didn't really happen and maybe I am a fraud. But there was that one time..

Once upon a time I really wanted a cat. Well not really. I wanted a kitten. Thing is, kittens evolve into cats. Truth.

If I really wanted a cat, I would get a full sized lion straight from Africa. Serious. I'm sure a lion can be trained to shit in a box just like a cat. If you're going to keep an animal that isn't really all that domesticated and still relies solely on instincts to survive, you might as well go all out. Balls to the wall. If your pet can't slice your jugular in less than 2.5 seconds, you don't have a real pet. If your pet doesn't attack you simply because you are watching it eat, you're not living on the edge. If your pet can't spit venom, take out a gazelle on the run, eat an entire goat without chewing, or maul you because you accidentally skipped a day of feeding it, then you're a pussy. Don't be a fucking pussy. Get a lion.

Cats: Part Two

I have had my cats for a whole day and I have learned a lot about being a cat owner. Really, it wasn't all that hard. Read on, maybe you'll learn a thing or two you didn't know about your cats.

I have found one of the best ways to show your cats love is to pet them all the time. Most people think you shouldn't rub your cat the wrong way. What they don't know is that there is not a wrong way. I usually start at the base of the tail and end at the scruff of the neck, petting in quick, rough strokes. Your cat may react to this strangely at first. You might think he/she is trying to claw you, but they are just trying to hold on. Think of it like a girl going into convulsions when she orgasms. If it doesn't look like you are exorcising spirits from their body, you're doing it wrong.

I haven't named my cats because most cats don't know their names anyway. The best way to get a cat's attention is to make loud hissing sounds and pretend to pounce at them. This method may take a while to perfect so it is recommended to wear protective gear until you are an experienced cat caller. Fortunately, I was quick to master this technique and was only scratched once and that was from the corner of my coffee table.

I like to wash my cats because good hygiene is respectable. Here is a picture of me giving my cat a bath.

No one likes smelly pussy. Many cat owners have trouble washing their beloved animals without them wigging the fuck out. The best way to wash your cat is to ease them into an already full bathtub. It is only necessary to get them wet up to their shoulders, but if your cat is behaving in a violent manner you might need to hold their head under water momentarily. If your cat isn't adapting to it's new environment, repeatedly dunk them under water until calm. And remember amateurs, safety gear is your best friend. I recommend wearing a full leather suit for bath time.

Cats: Part One

"Cats: Part One? What the fuck, Ari Hooley? You only wrote one post about weed but you're going to write 2 or more posts about cats?"

That's right motherfuckers. I have a strong dislike for cats. Fuck it, I'll say it. I fucking hate cats. I've never dedicated more than one post to one specific subject but I thought I'd give it a whip.

I always see cat owners taking pictures of their furry bundles of shit and posting them online. It makes me wonder what the fuck they're experiencing, so I thought I'd give being a cat owner a try. Sort of.

Those are my new pets. They're not real cats but they look like cats. So it counts. I chose these cats for a few reasons. Real cats make annoying sounds, piss and shit in a box, walk around showing off their assholes, and scratch the fuck out of your furniture. Possibly the only good thing about cats is they are furry and you can get them really stoned. These cats don't do any of that. They just sit on my coffee table and look absolutely adorable. My cats are better than your cats. 100% undeniable fact.

P.S. I am already getting attached to my new cats and I will keep you updated on our experiences. We're gonna have a grand time.

Being Gangsta Ain't Eazy

Pull up a chair and have a walk in the mind of Ari Hooley. That made no fucking sense. Whatevs. It's story time, bitches!

When I was just a young boy I had a crazy trip. To Walmart. No shrooms involved. My story started normal, right? Well shit is about to get real crazy real fuckin' quick. Okay. I'm at Walmart with my family. Six years old. I don't remember if this happened before or after the time I got lost at Walmart. We'll save that story for another day. I'm at Walmart and me and my family are making a quick grab for some groceries and what-the-fuck-ever they sucker you into buying. And we all know about Walmart. They have that place laid out! They pull some real slick shit. If you wanna buy electronics, they send your ass all the way to the back of the store. Why? Because you have money if you're shopping for electronics! After you get your gadgets, you have to walk through a bunch of other shit to get out of the store. Here's where they turn you into a sucker. Even if you completely avoid the food on your way out, you still have to walk through clothes to leave. And look out for the shiny jewelry! When you get to the check out, they have delicious candy and maybe a few stupid magazines for you to read. Before you know it, you not only bought a new iPod, but you're also leaving with a new pair of slippers, six dildos, a jumbo jar of peanut butter, some pop rocks, and the latest issue of Better Homes and Gardens. Back to my story. We're making a quick trip to Walmart and I am getting some strange looks from people. One motherfucker, two motherfuckers, three motherfuckers give me a strange look. The first two were pushing their luck, looking at me like I came to the wrong place. The third dude didn't know what was coming. He gave me that look like my pants were on backwards or some stupid crazy shit. So I walked over and said "Hey bub, you got a fuckin' problem? Come on, step up and make my day you old bastard". He didn't budge. He just sat there, paralyzed from the waist down, in his power scooter. Like a mothafucka should! His wife wasn't having any of this shit. She said "get out of here you damn hooligan!". I took one look at this lady and said "fuck you, grandma! I do what I want!". I picked up a tomato and punted it at the bitch's jaw, sending her dentures into the next aisle. Then like a smooth criminal, I booked it out of the store, never to be seen again. Just kidding. Jay fucking Kay. I didn't really threaten or hit any old people. But when I did leave the store with a new pair of slippers, 6 dildos, a jumbo jar of peanut butter, some pop rocks, and the latest issue of Better Homes and Gardens, I noticed one thing: my pants were on backwards! Mother.. FUCKER!

Marijuana is Fucking Awesome

This is my first request for a post on a specific topic. One of the bros was begging for an article on weed, and how it isn't so bad. Request fulfilled. Read on.

I have no better way to start this post than to say that some of y'all are fucking haters. Straight up. I'm talking, of course, about the motherfuckers who criticize the ganja. It just so happens that they're the same motherfuckers who know nothing about the ganja. Ain't that a bitch? Well, I guess I should educate you fools on what weed is, what it does to you, and how to both shove and retrieve it from your anus should you need to hide your stash from the feds. Wait, what? Okay, I guess we can leave that part out. In all seriousness, let's get started on the basics of weed.

First. Number fucking one. I must answer the question.

Q: What is weed?

A: If you ask a simple question, you probably get a simple answer. I'm wasting finger energy right now and I'd rather be choking the chicken. Wait, I thought this was about weed? Oh yeah. Weed is a plant. A fucking plant! Like most all plants, it grows from the ground. Here is a marijuana plant:

Now here are some other plants you may be familiar with:

You may have spotted some similarities, such as the presence of a stem, leaves, or flower buds. If so, congrats. You're a genius. They're all plants. This brings about some more questions.

Q: Why would you burn a plant and inhale the fumes of it to get you high? You don't smoke the leaves of an oak tree, do you?

A: Of course not, dipshit. You don't smoke the leaves of a marijuana plant either. This is what you smoke:

That is the bud of a marijuana plant. It is a drug. It's being used as one, after all. Here are some other drugs you may be familiar with:

Not as natural, right? You don't need gasoline or moth balls to produce marijuana. Weed doesn't kill people. It doesn't make you beat your wife. It doesn't ruin your life. It actually makes your life way more awesome. Weed simply affects the mind by attaching to the receptors of your nerves in your brain. These nerves control hunger, your sense of pain, and your emotions, in turn making you hungry, pain-free, and one happy mothafucka!

Q: Isn't weed unhealthy?

A: While anything you inhale can affect your lungs, weed doesn't limit your lung capacity by very much at all. Ask Michael Phelps about that shit! There are no detrimental affects to your health from smoking pot. The only long-term affects of weed are short-term memory loss. I'm a frequent user of marijuana and I can tell you first hand from my experiences of being high all damn day, every damn day that I have never forgotten anything that was worth remembering. Many people think that weed kills brain cells or even that it can kill you. Guess what? They're wrong, bitch. Sadly, the facts are not enough for these people. They're not true Michael Phelps fans.

Q: Isn't weed a crutch for people who use it?

A: Although there are no addictive properties, you can still argue that Mary Jane is addictive because there are so many frequent users. You could also call it a crutch for people who use it regularly, because.. you know, who wants to stop smoking weed? To give you a comparison, here are some other so-called addictions:

See? Anything can be called an addiction! Smoking weed is actually less addictive than coffee! So why not start your day with a bowl instead of a cup?

Q: If weed isn't so bad, then why do people talk down on it and refuse to use it?

A: I don't fucking know! Maybe because all they know about drugs is "don't do drugs"? Next time your doctor prescribes you some medicine, why don't you say "No thanks, I'm straight-edge"? Or you can smoke some fucking weed! Damn. Leave me the fuck alone.

Amish People Suck

One thing I enjoy is making fun of people who are dumber than me. I can't think of anyone better to make fun of than the Amish, who are unquestionably more stupid than.. well, just about everyone.

Amish people are known for their "reluctance" to adapt to the conveniences of technology. When I say reluctance I mean resistance. They don't want anything to do with it. They have laws prohibiting the use of cool shit such as electricity and automobiles. What the fuck? The thing that bothers me about the Amish is that they shun the existence of technology. Yet, they still use it. Fucking shitiots.

The Amish usually keep to themselves, living off the land. Although there was that one time I seen a group of those motherfuckers in Taco Bell. Dude, Taco Bell? Can't you congregate at a Chick-Fil-A?

Since they don't have automobiles, they use the good old-fashioned horse and buggy system. Ah, the luxuries of riding in a horse-drawn shitbox. Those memories take me back to the days when I had my own chariot. The year was 1922. I used to drink booze and fuck pale, white women in the back of my buggy while my horse looked on with a stiffy. Wait, what?

Amish are schooled until 8th grade and then they are free to paint barns, make furniture, and mix up some awesome jam. When the Amish build barns, they do not fuck around. Serious. Turns out they even have a name for it. Barnraising. What they do is round up about 50 dudes, and build the barn in record fucking speed. Don't believe me? Check it.

This is some great pyramid slave type shit. If you thought the pyramids were a miracle, you've never seen a gang of bearded retards put a building together in under 6 minutes.

Amish are also known for their furniture. I guess they're good at making it because non-Amish often buy it. They make their furniture with pneumatic and hydraulic tools, since they can't use electricity. Jesus was a carpenter and he didn't have a fucking impact wrench. Way to keep it real, Amish pussies.

You can argue that this way of life is less harmful to the environment, more natural, and teaches you valuable skills like working together with your community to accomplish goals. You can also shut the fuck up and go build me an oak chair to sit in and laugh at you, Jebediah. How are you reading this shit anyway? You don't know what a computer is, asshat.

Apparently an electrical current traveling through a wire is black magic to these people, yet they will still go out and buy diesel engines. Fuck them and the horse they rode in behind. Fucking buggy riding, bearded motherfuckers.

Top Secret Sauce

Alright, check it out motherfuckers.

Woah, what is that stuff? Some kind of alien pussy juice? How do you make it? Well I'll fucking tell you, so let's get to it. This shit is called ketchup et la moutarde, or as us Americans might call it, "ketchup & mustard". The recipe calls for a bottle of ketchup and a bottle of mustard. First, what you wanna do is squeeze some ketchup on top of some mustard. Another way to do this is to squeeze some mustard on top of some ketchup. I like the 2nd method, but it's really up to you. Either way, the ketchup and mustard are combined. Generally, I put a 2 parts ketchup to 1 parts mustard ratio. If you're a mustard kinda guy, I highly recommend a 50:50 ketchup to mustard ratio.
Now, the tricky part. Get a spoon or fork and.. mix the fuck out of it. The sauce should come out a beautiful orange color. All done.
If it's too red or too yellow, you fucked up the recipe and you should probably stick to microwaving frozen tv dinners and crying yourself to sleep.
Now, I know some of you assholes don't understand the point of preparing ketchup and mustard in this fashion, but that's because you're not as fucking awesome or creative as I am. Once you've tried the new ketchup/mustard mixture, you won't be going back to your old ways. Enjoy.

Shower Power

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Advice from an Idiot: Relationships Don't Rewind

My buddy told me about the relationship he just got out of, in which his girlfriend broke up with him, to get back with her ex, who had already cheated on her. Basically, the ex-boyfriend comes running back to her after he realized he fucked up, and she leaves her current boyfriend to be with her ex. Damn. Luckily for him, I have seen a friend in this preDICKament before so I know what's going on and can offer a word of advice to a good friend of mine.

First, we already know who has issues. The dude cheating on his girlfriend. He wasn't completely happy with her so he thought he would have the best of both worlds and have a girlfriend and a fuck buddy. That's some fucked up shit, 'nuff said. This guy put himself in that sitch and now he comes crying back to ex-girlfriend, who is already with someone new. You can guess the conversation went something like the following:

Girl: Why do you want to make things better now?

Ex-bf: i didnt realize what i had an now i do i miss u so bad baby

Girl: Ok let me break up with my bf

Seriously. That's probably all it took to get her back.. because they're both idiots and they're probably meant for each other. He knew what he had and he put it at risk because he thought he found something better.

Second, ex-girlfriend is just as dumb if not more dumb than her ex-boyfriend. You need to know where you stand with her. Seventy percent 80% 90% fuck it, ONE HUNDRED PERCENT of women want one thing: to know that some guy will always be there for her, waiting to catch her dumb ass after she falls out of the fuck tree. Your ex-girl wants a permanent fuck buddy oops I mean "guy friend", even after she completely turns her back on you. I'm gonna guess that she even pulled this trick out of the hat: the consolation prize. She probably told you that the 2 of you can still be friends. Good friends! Best friends! Please do not fall for that shit. You're gonna end up hearing about their problems.. and even if she dumps him and gets a new boyfriend, it probably won't be you. She's gonna end up in the exact spot she was before..getting cheated on like a damn fool. People who cheat generally want the following things:

1. Penis 2. Vagina 3. More penis 4. More vagina

Serious, bitch, it's not hard to figure this shit out. I could add number 5, "a person who will treat them better" but if you really think about it.. if you REALLY think about it.. you would soon come to the realization that all it takes for a person to stay in a relationship is steady pussy/dick. And that's usually the same reason a person will go back to their ex. Ain't that a bitch? This guy will continue to cheat on his girlfriend and if she doesn't wake the fuck up she will continue to run back to him. As her newest ex-bf, the best solution for you is to kick back, enjoy the shitshow that is about to commence, and be glad she's not dating you and fucking him at the same time. Straight up. Relationships don't rewind. Never have, never will.

Cussing is Fucking Awesome

I once had a teacher who allowed no cussing of any sort. I've always had a cussing "problem" so I did my best to suppress this super cool talent of mine. Here is what happened one day.

Me, in my mind: "Shit fucking shit fuck god damn mother fucking tits"
Me, what came out of my mouth: "Crap"
Her: "Crud**"

Bitch, you serious? I held in all that anger, let out a simple word of frustration, and you have the audacity to correct me? The fuck out of here with that shit. Here is the difference between crap and crud.

cr + ap = crap
cr + ud = crud

The difference is 2 letters! Where did this crud bullshit come from anyway? Was someone convinced that crap was too extreme of a word to be used in an appropriate setting? Does crap come out of a bird's asshole and crud out of a baby's bottom? What does this shit really come down to? Ari Hooley has some fucking answers, baby. And an opinion that I'm not afraid to share, damn it.

Crap and crud. Shit and shoot. Fuck and freak. Hell and heck. Damn, dang, and darn. Am I forgetting any? If so, fuck you. But please, puncture my ballsack with a rusty screwdriver. It would be a treat. Seriously, that would be far more bearable than the fuckery of this softening of the English language. Why does everyone have to add their own dose of pussy to everything? We are talking about our language. It needs to be more bold, not less. Here's what I think about crap and crud. You can take them both, throw them in a blender, add a splash of 2% milk, turn that shit into a nice frothy mixture, and see which one tastes better. Either way, you're fucking yourself. Because there is no difference. No difference at all. Some idiot must have thought "hmm, how can I get away with cussing without actually cussing?" You fucking shit brain! You're still cussing! It makes no difference what words you use, it matters what you mean by them! Communication isn't signified by words alone, you can say the most angry of phrases and not utter a single cuss word. Don't believe me? Go call your best friend worthless and a terrible friend. Then call them a fucking goon or a taint goblin. See which one they take more offense to. Cussing simply adds a little spice, just like your tone and body language do. It's an essential part of our communication, and there is nothing wrong with utilizing the fuck out of it. But Ari, what about cussing in front of kids? If you were already thinking this before you read it, you probably love kids. "Oh, they're so special and innocent. They don't need to be exposed to such language." Fuck them and fuck you for thinking that way! Children need to see the world for what it is, and not be sheltered by shitty parents. I have a shitty father and guess what? I was sheltered. I didn't understand sarcasm until I was 10 years old. It didn't fucking help my learning either, because I thought the world was a sweet and pure place, with zero imperfections. If you think kids shouldn't hear cuss words, you're wrong motherfucker, and the sooner you realize that, the sooner you are on the path to success. One of the good things my father did do was cuss at me. It made me want to be a better person and that's why I'm so damn awesome. That is why I say let kids hear cuss words. I will even go as far as to say this: if they're not cussing before they leave the crib, take them to one of those learning development centers. They'll be saying "Dad, you're a sly, rat bastard" before you know it.

If you still think cussing is a big deal, you're on the wrong page asshole. Because I just stuck my metaphorical dick in your virgin mind. Get your cuss on!