10/30/12

Advice from an Idiot: Relationships Don't Rewind


My buddy told me about the relationship he just got out of, in which his girlfriend broke up with him, to get back with her ex, who had already cheated on her. Basically, the ex-boyfriend comes running back to her after he realized he fucked up, and she leaves her current boyfriend to be with her ex. Damn. Luckily for him, I have seen a friend in this preDICKament before so I know what's going on and can offer a word of advice to a good friend of mine.

First, we already know who has issues. The dude cheating on his girlfriend. He wasn't completely happy with her so he thought he would have the best of both worlds and have a girlfriend and a fuck buddy. That's some fucked up shit, 'nuff said. This guy put himself in that sitch and now he comes crying back to ex-girlfriend, who is already with someone new. You can guess the conversation went something like the following:

Girl: Why do you want to make things better now?

Ex-bf: i didnt realize what i had an now i do i miss u so bad baby

Girl: Ok let me break up with my bf

Seriously. That's probably all it took to get her back.. because they're both idiots and they're probably meant for each other. He knew what he had and he put it at risk because he thought he found something better.

Second, ex-girlfriend is just as dumb if not more dumb than her ex-boyfriend. You need to know where you stand with her. Seventy percent 80% 90% fuck it, ONE HUNDRED PERCENT of women want one thing: to know that some guy will always be there for her, waiting to catch her dumb ass after she falls out of the fuck tree. Your ex-girl wants a permanent fuck buddy oops I mean "guy friend", even after she completely turns her back on you. I'm gonna guess that she even pulled this trick out of the hat: the consolation prize. She probably told you that the 2 of you can still be friends. Good friends! Best friends! Please do not fall for that shit. You're gonna end up hearing about their problems.. and even if she dumps him and gets a new boyfriend, it probably won't be you. She's gonna end up in the exact spot she was before..getting cheated on like a damn fool. People who cheat generally want the following things:

1. Penis 2. Vagina 3. More penis 4. More vagina

Serious, bitch, it's not hard to figure this shit out. I could add number 5, "a person who will treat them better" but if you really think about it.. if you REALLY think about it.. you would soon come to the realization that all it takes for a person to stay in a relationship is steady pussy/dick. And that's usually the same reason a person will go back to their ex. Ain't that a bitch? This guy will continue to cheat on his girlfriend and if she doesn't wake the fuck up she will continue to run back to him. As her newest ex-bf, the best solution for you is to kick back, enjoy the shitshow that is about to commence, and be glad she's not dating you and fucking him at the same time. Straight up. Relationships don't rewind. Never have, never will.

10/25/12

Cussing is Fucking Awesome

I once had a teacher who allowed no cussing of any sort. I've always had a cussing "problem" so I did my best to suppress this super cool talent of mine. Here is what happened one day.

Me, in my mind: "Shit fucking shit fuck god damn mother fucking tits"
Me, what came out of my mouth: "Crap"
Her: "Crud**"

Bitch, you serious? I held in all that anger, let out a simple word of frustration, and you have the audacity to correct me? The fuck out of here with that shit. Here is the difference between crap and crud.

cr + ap = crap
cr + ud = crud

The difference is 2 letters! Where did this crud bullshit come from anyway? Was someone convinced that crap was too extreme of a word to be used in an appropriate setting? Does crap come out of a bird's asshole and crud out of a baby's bottom? What does this shit really come down to? Ari Hooley has some fucking answers, baby. And an opinion that I'm not afraid to share, damn it.

Crap and crud. Shit and shoot. Fuck and freak. Hell and heck. Damn, dang, and darn. Am I forgetting any? If so, fuck you. But please, puncture my ballsack with a rusty screwdriver. It would be a treat. Seriously, that would be far more bearable than the fuckery of this softening of the English language. Why does everyone have to add their own dose of pussy to everything? We are talking about our language. It needs to be more bold, not less. Here's what I think about crap and crud. You can take them both, throw them in a blender, add a splash of 2% milk, turn that shit into a nice frothy mixture, and see which one tastes better. Either way, you're fucking yourself. Because there is no difference. No difference at all. Some idiot must have thought "hmm, how can I get away with cussing without actually cussing?" You fucking shit brain! You're still cussing! It makes no difference what words you use, it matters what you mean by them! Communication isn't signified by words alone, you can say the most angry of phrases and not utter a single cuss word. Don't believe me? Go call your best friend worthless and a terrible friend. Then call them a fucking goon or a taint goblin. See which one they take more offense to. Cussing simply adds a little spice, just like your tone and body language do. It's an essential part of our communication, and there is nothing wrong with utilizing the fuck out of it. But Ari, what about cussing in front of kids? If you were already thinking this before you read it, you probably love kids. "Oh, they're so special and innocent. They don't need to be exposed to such language." Fuck them and fuck you for thinking that way! Children need to see the world for what it is, and not be sheltered by shitty parents. I have a shitty father and guess what? I was sheltered. I didn't understand sarcasm until I was 10 years old. It didn't fucking help my learning either, because I thought the world was a sweet and pure place, with zero imperfections. If you think kids shouldn't hear cuss words, you're wrong motherfucker, and the sooner you realize that, the sooner you are on the path to success. One of the good things my father did do was cuss at me. It made me want to be a better person and that's why I'm so damn awesome. That is why I say let kids hear cuss words. I will even go as far as to say this: if they're not cussing before they leave the crib, take them to one of those learning development centers. They'll be saying "Dad, you're a sly, rat bastard" before you know it.

If you still think cussing is a big deal, you're on the wrong page asshole. Because I just stuck my metaphorical dick in your virgin mind. Get your cuss on!