I Hold Doors

For whatever reason, women seem to think I'm some self important asshole who only cares about myself. You're wrong, cunts. I'm a gentleman.

Maybe I've had a string of total bitch girls. Stuck up bitches. Get out of here with that bitchassness. Yes, that's a word. Fuck you.

Ladies: Can't find a man who will treat you right? Look no further.

This is Ari Hooley. Well behaved gentleman, classy motherfucker, & sometimes asshole.

Do you need a man to talk to when things just don't seem right? I do that shit. I will even ask you how your day went.*

Ever date a guy who doesn't hold doors for you? Yeah, fuck that shit. You'll never have to strain your petite body again. I hold doors.*

When my lady is feeling down, I feel the need to use my expert cooking skills and cook her a nice, warm bowl of soup.* I'm a master fucking chef. Rarely microwaved.

If you thought those general acts of kindness and awesome fucking manners were plenty for you, surprise females. I will raise my offer. Ever heard of chocolate? Flowers? Diamonds? Nevermind, fuck that. Okay maybe diamonds. I buy that shit.*

* if it scores me some points towards a future blowjob

** sorry ladies, this favor can only be exchanged for a coupon redeemable for one instant blowjob at the time and place of my choosing.. tough shit