I really hate my belly button. Oh, you thought I was offering someone to fuck my belly button? Fuck that, you twisted bitch. I do hate my belly button, though. It looks like a half innie/half outie. Whatever the fuck that means. Check it.
That's my fucking belly button. If you're thinking "well, that's not so bad" what you don't know is I had to stand 15 feet away from the camera and do some trick photography, black magic, poor lighting shit to make my belly button look almost normal. Truth. What the fuck kind of drugs was my doctor on when he slacked off this job, anyway? I'll never know, but I'd be willing to try them. (Don't worry, I promise I won't deliver a damn baby when I'm impaired. Who does that shit to an innocent child? I know I would probably deserve it now but I definitely didn't then. Maybe this is the whole reason I'm so fucked up in the head. I'm scarred for life. Literally.) This kind of work does not belong on the résumé of a licensed professional. I actually came across a copy of his résumé a while back when I was rummaging through his office, trying to steal medication. Long story short, I got away with some cotton balls and a pair of latex gloves. Weak. Anyway, looking over his résumé, I noticed he looked pretty qualified, but when I came across his greatest weaknesses, shit got weird. By weird I mean I had an epiphany, not I took a pinky finger to the butthole. Here's what it said, no bullshit: "One of my biggest weaknesses is my inability to tie a knot in a balloon. Seriously. If you handed me a balloon, I couldn't tie it to save my life LOL! Hope this doesn't affect my job performance!". Woah, hold the fuck up, dick fingers. If you can't tie a knot in a balloon, then you obviously can't tie umbilical cords. The fuck outta here with that shit. I think if he let me tie it myself, the results would have turned out much better. "Stand back, Dr. Penishands, no one ties my umbilical cord but me." Fuck I should have been the one to tie it. I could have if I wasn't on drugs, too. Wait, what?
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