Cussing is Fucking Awesome

I once had a teacher who allowed no cussing of any sort. I've always had a cussing "problem" so I did my best to suppress this super cool talent of mine. Here is what happened one day.

Me, in my mind: "Shit fucking shit fuck god damn mother fucking tits"
Me, what came out of my mouth: "Crap"
Her: "Crud**"

Bitch, you serious? I held in all that anger, let out a simple word of frustration, and you have the audacity to correct me? The fuck out of here with that shit. Here is the difference between crap and crud.

cr + ap = crap
cr + ud = crud

The difference is 2 letters! Where did this crud bullshit come from anyway? Was someone convinced that crap was too extreme of a word to be used in an appropriate setting? Does crap come out of a bird's asshole and crud out of a baby's bottom? What does this shit really come down to? Ari Hooley has some fucking answers, baby. And an opinion that I'm not afraid to share, damn it.

Crap and crud. Shit and shoot. Fuck and freak. Hell and heck. Damn, dang, and darn. Am I forgetting any? If so, fuck you. But please, puncture my ballsack with a rusty screwdriver. It would be a treat. Seriously, that would be far more bearable than the fuckery of this softening of the English language. Why does everyone have to add their own dose of pussy to everything? We are talking about our language. It needs to be more bold, not less. Here's what I think about crap and crud. You can take them both, throw them in a blender, add a splash of 2% milk, turn that shit into a nice frothy mixture, and see which one tastes better. Either way, you're fucking yourself. Because there is no difference. No difference at all. Some idiot must have thought "hmm, how can I get away with cussing without actually cussing?" You fucking shit brain! You're still cussing! It makes no difference what words you use, it matters what you mean by them! Communication isn't signified by words alone, you can say the most angry of phrases and not utter a single cuss word. Don't believe me? Go call your best friend worthless and a terrible friend. Then call them a fucking goon or a taint goblin. See which one they take more offense to. Cussing simply adds a little spice, just like your tone and body language do. It's an essential part of our communication, and there is nothing wrong with utilizing the fuck out of it. But Ari, what about cussing in front of kids? If you were already thinking this before you read it, you probably love kids. "Oh, they're so special and innocent. They don't need to be exposed to such language." Fuck them and fuck you for thinking that way! Children need to see the world for what it is, and not be sheltered by shitty parents. I have a shitty father and guess what? I was sheltered. I didn't understand sarcasm until I was 10 years old. It didn't fucking help my learning either, because I thought the world was a sweet and pure place, with zero imperfections. If you think kids shouldn't hear cuss words, you're wrong motherfucker, and the sooner you realize that, the sooner you are on the path to success. One of the good things my father did do was cuss at me. It made me want to be a better person and that's why I'm so damn awesome. That is why I say let kids hear cuss words. I will even go as far as to say this: if they're not cussing before they leave the crib, take them to one of those learning development centers. They'll be saying "Dad, you're a sly, rat bastard" before you know it.

If you still think cussing is a big deal, you're on the wrong page asshole. Because I just stuck my metaphorical dick in your virgin mind. Get your cuss on!