I have received a lot of criticism for my posts about cats. I have been called a phony for not getting real cats. This makes me angry. And sad. Very sad. You guys made Patches and Shitstain cry. Oh yeah, I decided to name my wooden cats to show how much I care. I even shed a few tears after receiving all the hate mail. Okay maybe that didn't really happen and maybe I am a fraud. But there was that one time..
Once upon a time I really wanted a cat. Well not really. I wanted a kitten. Thing is, kittens evolve into cats. Truth.
If I really wanted a cat, I would get a full sized lion straight from Africa. Serious. I'm sure a lion can be trained to shit in a box just like a cat. If you're going to keep an animal that isn't really all that domesticated and still relies solely on instincts to survive, you might as well go all out. Balls to the wall. If your pet can't slice your jugular in less than 2.5 seconds, you don't have a real pet. If your pet doesn't attack you simply because you are watching it eat, you're not living on the edge. If your pet can't spit venom, take out a gazelle on the run, eat an entire goat without chewing, or maul you because you accidentally skipped a day of feeding it, then you're a pussy. Don't be a fucking pussy. Get a lion.
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