11/18/12

Being Gangsta Ain't Eazy

Pull up a chair and have a walk in the mind of Ari Hooley. That made no fucking sense. Whatevs. It's story time, bitches!

When I was just a young boy I had a crazy trip. To Walmart. No shrooms involved. My story started normal, right? Well shit is about to get real crazy real fuckin' quick. Okay. I'm at Walmart with my family. Six years old. I don't remember if this happened before or after the time I got lost at Walmart. We'll save that story for another day. I'm at Walmart and me and my family are making a quick grab for some groceries and what-the-fuck-ever they sucker you into buying. And we all know about Walmart. They have that place laid out! They pull some real slick shit. If you wanna buy electronics, they send your ass all the way to the back of the store. Why? Because you have money if you're shopping for electronics! After you get your gadgets, you have to walk through a bunch of other shit to get out of the store. Here's where they turn you into a sucker. Even if you completely avoid the food on your way out, you still have to walk through clothes to leave. And look out for the shiny jewelry! When you get to the check out, they have delicious candy and maybe a few stupid magazines for you to read. Before you know it, you not only bought a new iPod, but you're also leaving with a new pair of slippers, six dildos, a jumbo jar of peanut butter, some pop rocks, and the latest issue of Better Homes and Gardens. Back to my story. We're making a quick trip to Walmart and I am getting some strange looks from people. One motherfucker, two motherfuckers, three motherfuckers give me a strange look. The first two were pushing their luck, looking at me like I came to the wrong place. The third dude didn't know what was coming. He gave me that look like my pants were on backwards or some stupid crazy shit. So I walked over and said "Hey bub, you got a fuckin' problem? Come on, step up and make my day you old bastard". He didn't budge. He just sat there, paralyzed from the waist down, in his power scooter. Like a mothafucka should! His wife wasn't having any of this shit. She said "get out of here you damn hooligan!". I took one look at this lady and said "fuck you, grandma! I do what I want!". I picked up a tomato and punted it at the bitch's jaw, sending her dentures into the next aisle. Then like a smooth criminal, I booked it out of the store, never to be seen again. Just kidding. Jay fucking Kay. I didn't really threaten or hit any old people. But when I did leave the store with a new pair of slippers, 6 dildos, a jumbo jar of peanut butter, some pop rocks, and the latest issue of Better Homes and Gardens, I noticed one thing: my pants were on backwards! Mother.. FUCKER!

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